Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to cut my nuts and make me sterile. My
reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having
had
7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are
useless.
After getting married here in West Virginia I was advised to use the
rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell
pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that,
where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the
morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with
the
in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house
was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast
feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin,
silky hair and was very healthy... but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after
intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still
got pregnant again.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I
bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me
as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your
thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw
and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got
severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the
forehead.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will
have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it
is
any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely, Bubba Brickhead Morgantown, West Virgina
