Random Thoughts on This 'N That... (not necessarily mine, tho)
Ads in bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills
now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail
in there with them. I get back at them; I put garbage in with my check
when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels....I write, "Could you
throw this away for me? Just like I do with yours? Thanks."
On Fabric Softner:
My wife uses fabric softner. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then
I noticed women coming up to me & going, 'sniff-sniff' , & "Oh, married."
& then walk away....Tha' s how wives 'mark' their territory. You can take
off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your
clothes. Sniff sniff...
On Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my
gosh! He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" Come on! It's weird to ask
someone to feel your stomach; I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my
gosh! Give your hand...it won't be long now.....Ahhhhhh! ...."
Oh Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out there entering 'wet shawl contests.' Makes you wonder where she got
that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
On Prisons:
Did you know it costs $40,000 a year to house each prisoner? Geez, for
$40,000 a piece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los
Angeles. I already have bars on my windows, for starters. I don't think
we should give free room & board to criminals; I think they should have
to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill & generate electricity. And if
they don't want to run? Then they can rest in the chair that's hooked up
to the generator... .Sssssst! .....
On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, 'positive' mesages on someone's
answering machine? They usually go something like this....... "Hi, it's
a great day & I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The
thought for the day is, 'Share the love.' Leave your name & number after
the beep. I'll get right back to ya." <<< BEEP! >>>
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling..... Speaking of being
'positive', your test is back. STOP sharing the love!" Click.
When I owned a business, which I did for 15 years, I used to get all kinds of offers & junk mail in with the bills. When I paid them, I used to stuff the envelopes with brochures, and special offers that I was giving.
One day, I went into the bank and was surprised to see a nice display with a collection of my brochures & ads on the counter by the cashiers. I actually got a couple of portrait sittings from it.
____________________ If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
