~ Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer
for warmth during the BBC's eclipse coverage: "They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
~ Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks,
Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks, he prefers to do it by himself."
~ Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about
snowfall: "I had a good eight inches last night."
~ Trevor Brooking talking about David Beckham's groin strain
during the recent England vs. Germany match: "He's certainly led
by example this evening and his injury's stood up superbly."
~ Peter Alliss on Rivero's golf drive: "Gosh, what an enormous one
for such a little chap!"
~ Lorraine Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag
and our resident stylist is here to give our model one."
~ Chris Tarrant was trying to help a female contestant name a
famous motor-racing commentator. The answer was Murray Walker,
so Chris said, "I'll give you a clue. His name sounds like something
hard that tastes good when you suck it."
"Ah," she replied, "it must be Dickie Davies."
~ Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
~ Jack Burnicle talking about Colin Edwards' tires on World
Superbikes: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."
~ Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on
Countdown: "Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please, Carol."
~ David Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain
Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers man."
"Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."
~ Arthur Negus was well impressed by two glass decanters on the
Antiques Roadshow. He told their attractive owner: "That's the nicest
pair I've seen in ages."
~ During a snooker match, Jack Karnehm remarked, "This is a very
difficult shot, he's only got one and a half inches between the balls."
~ Lowri Turner discussing high heels on Looking Good: "Some women
will do anything for that extra three inches."
~ After comparing real-life copper Ron Caddon to the fictional cops
in The Bill, TVam's Mike Morris summed up: "We need more Rons
to join our police force."
~ Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel
on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself
in bed last night."
~ Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes
what he sees."
~ Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
~ Beatrice Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in
Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation,
I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room."
~ David Coleman: "That's the fastest time ever run, but it's not as
fast as the world record."
~ During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator
Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling
golfers not to lick their balls on the green."
~ Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham vs. Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands
he just tossed it off."
~ Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this."
~ Charlie Dimmock was helping Alan Titchmarsh with a tree stake on
Ground Force. "How far am I in?" he asked. "About eight inches,"
Charlie replied, "but I need a few more inches."
~ A mind-blowing insight from tennis expert Pam Shriver: "They
don't come any quicker on the women's tour than Sugiyama."
~ Carol Baxter was trying to identify an apple when she opined:
"And this one tastes like Cox."
~ James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello? "
~ Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69."
~ Steve Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics
Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic
champion inside him."
~ A Bolex is a type of camera, which is why Peter Alliss told the
photographer blocking his view: "Move your Bolex to one side, there's
a good chap."
~ The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's
breath away. "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
~ Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night
about coming from different positions."
~ Chain Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant
called Richard when he told two women competitors: "That's enough
Dick for both of you."
~ Expert David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped
lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed, "This is the most magical,
wonderful knob I have ever seen!"
~ Slimming expert Sally Ann Voak was talking about John Suchet's
belly when she said, "I'm sure you have a little bulge down there John."
~ Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told
Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."
~ Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team
Live, said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
~ Brough Scott: "And there's the *unmistakable* figure of Joe Mercer
... or is it Lester Piggott?"
~ Dan Maskell: "And here come the Gullikson twins, both from Wisconsin."
