THE PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving back
from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish aphrodisiac - 12
pints Guinness, and some fish and chips, his mind set on one thing -
LOVE! Or as he say's himself "the ride". His lust, at fever pitch, after
the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his
beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance of
me hole then love?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited by
the erotic smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to
his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is
expressed with the flirtatious "Would ye ever fuck off!!!".
FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male,
whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife,
that usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed gyrating
with one hand on his hip and the other on the back of his head, singing
the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here we go"
Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher. This
is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's old Willie Winkie is a trifle
reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to
the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will
offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ye useless
bastard, ye" or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman". Oral sex is
a great favourite of the Irishman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky
invitation, "How'd ye like to put your teeth round dis?" The woman nods
willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a
bedside tumbler. "Go on then", she says "but don't disturb me".
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again
alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides
which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement
as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature
ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic
phrase "Oh fuck, I've shot me load." If this does occur it is essential
he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving
compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's
ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having
read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite,
arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his
mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if
they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of
encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?". Given his level sexual
expertise the Irishman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover
specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless
shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big Boy". Eventually its all over. The man roles
over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in
the world performs quite like an Irishman - veritable prince in the
kingdom of sex.
