Enjoy this list of actual announcements that London tube
train drivers have made to their passengers:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of
course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which
case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in
the opposite direction."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from
his backside. I'll let you know any further information as
soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good
news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town
and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points
failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which
means we probably won't reach our destination. "
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there
is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore
stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our
minds off it and pass some time together. All together now
... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
"We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see,
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had
actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they
don't think about things like that".
"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars. If you have any spare change,
please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give
it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the
driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this
way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... Unfortunately,
towels are not provided."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go
on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -
I'm going home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this
with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and
separate instructions. "
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors
means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean
throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck
in the door."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get
on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the
doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..)
"Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit
wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down
four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the
door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e
sideways!"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no
smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if
you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it
round the rest of the carriage."
