1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
Shithead's
.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood
alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows
me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with
'Guess' on it. I said: Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one
flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer
or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
"terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes . I've seen too many of
them get elected
.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has
absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you
tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling
alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am
perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of
consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a
friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I
have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is
winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having
a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with
a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to
see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's
wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
____________________ If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
