THE PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving back
from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish aphrodisiac -
12 pints Guinness, and some fish and chips, his mind set on one
thing - LOVE! Or as he say's himself "the ride". His lust, at fever
pitch, after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he
approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of
passion - "any chance of me hole then love?" The good lady in
question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of Guinness or the
sensuous vision of chips sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat
reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the
flirtatious "Would ye ever fuck off!!!".
FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the
male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his
wife, that usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed
gyrating with one hand on his hip and the other on the back of his
head, singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we
go, here we go" Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this
rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double
vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's old Willie Winkie is a trifle
reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow
to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She
will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ye
useless bastard, ye" or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman".
Oral sex is a great favourite of the Irishman. He approaches his wife
with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your teeth round
dis?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies
smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. "Go on then", she says "but
don't disturb me".
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again
alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man
decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his
excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe
premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the
poetic phrase "Oh fuck, I've shot me load." If this does occur it is
essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender
and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the
nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the
Irishman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to,
says such things as "shite, arsehole". The woman is speechless. The
man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic
thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling.
Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure
it's in?". Given his level sexual expertise the Irishman's ideal
partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm.
This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big Boy".
Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and
commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world performs
quite like an Irishman - veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.
