Category 1: "Wussy." Street signs blow over, bushes and shrubs are
damaged, housecats meow slightly more loudly. Plan for these storms
by duct taping your shrubs, kicking the cat, and shaking your fist
triumphantly at Mother Nature for throwing such a weak-ass storm at
you.
Category 2: "Mildly Alarming." Houses moan, some of the sicker
looking trees may fall over, shingles blow off, small children
complain.
Planning: duct tape all the sick trees you may have on your property,
as well as duct taping X-es on your windows. This lets the wind know
not to blow the glass in. Purchase bottled water, before everyone
else snaps it up.
Category 3: "Deeply Frightening. " Houses collapse, mobile homes cease
to exist in any normal functioning sense of the word, dogs fart
explosively, healthy trees surrender. Planning: duct tape everything
on your property, including the dog. Buy plywood and nail it over the
windows-- after first duct taping X-es over the glass. Purchase
bottled water and bleach. This is so if it looks like you're going to
die, you can add the bleach to the water and drink it.
Category 4: "Holy Shit." Buildings fall, cars fly through the air,
walls bleed, large sea mammals are carried several miles inland,
entire regions disappear completely. Planning: Cover your entire
house with duct tape X-es to try and fool the hurricane into thinking
the whole place is a gigantic window. Nail as much wood as you can
find to the outside of the duct tape. Lock yourself and your family
and your farting dog in the basement with the bottled water and
bleach, and maybe some canned goods, a portable generator, and a gun
to ward off looters in the apocalyptic aftermath that is sure to
follow.
Category 5: "The End Of The World." All trace of humanity is picked
up several yards into the air and converted into bite-sized pieces,
the Biblical leviathan surfaces from the depths, hell rises up and
swallows mankind whole.
Planning: screw the duct tape. Get into the basement and make peace
with your god. Whomever He, She or It may be.
