Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some
drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends
------------ --------- --------- --------- --
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to
begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says,
"Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman
replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each
other, aren't we."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
A kid had cut open a golf ball and had *eaten* the liquid centre.
The stuff in this case was a thick, dark fluid, and the child's
mother naturally assumed that it was some petroleum product. She
frantically called the family doctor, and as she was rushing to the
doctor's office with the apparently poisoned kid, the doctor was
rapidly flipping through the "Common Household Poisons" book. There
was no mention of golf balls in it. The doctor called up a golf ball
manufacturer and explained the situation; but they said that their
golf balls had a solid core. "I wish I'd asked the name of the
manufacturer! " the doctor lamented. The ball manufacturer helpfully
named their sole competitor that made balls with liquid centres.
Another quick phone call, and the
answer: the centre was made of cod liver oil.
------------ --------- --------- --------
A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two
kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself,
"What the heck have I done?" He began to ponder, "How am I going to
bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and
decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the
surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loads them into his
van and off he rushes to the local hospital. He walked up and down
the hospital and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor,
"Doc, how are they doing?" The doctor replies, "Comfortable, sir!"
------------ --------- --------- -------
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to
paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected,
sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably
distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the
doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat,
and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's
coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever
seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies,
"but not framed like that."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live
alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well
cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed
her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a
while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two
attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her
up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to
the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back
upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see
how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it
here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty
nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window
seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a
physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.
The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll
get up and get a coke. "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get
it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the
physician's shoe and spat in it. When the physician returned with
the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll
have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and
while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and
spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed
the flight. As the plane was landing, the physician slipped his feet
into his shoe sand knew immediately what had happened. "How long
must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions?
This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in
cokes?"
------------ --------- --------- ---------
Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were
discussing the population explosion in the world. One physician
says, "Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad
that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa
gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!" The other doctor
replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!"
