Ah, such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. What treasures
lurk beneath those crisp, white uniforms.... What young man doesn't
have fantasies of discovering those secrets for himself.
SCREEEEEECH! !!!!!!!!! !!! Reality check!
I've been married to a nurse for more than a quarter of a century,
and let me tell you, nurses are not what you expect (and I don't even
care what you expect, because you are wrong)! Let's begin by tearing
down some of the more famous assumptions about nurses right off the
top:
The Nurse as Sex Kitten:
Any man who lived through the early seventies or has made it a point
to rent such famous videos as "Night Duty Nurses" or "Student Nurses"
or "Night Duty Student Nurses" or any one of several dozen nurse-
centric skin flicks will immediately believe that all nurses have
heaving bosoms, just millimeters away from popping out of skin tight
white uniforms. You will also believe that nurses always wear white
garters, fishnet hose, and stilettos. This, of course, is a handy
dress code because movie nurses spend *a lot* of time hopping in and
out of patient's beds. The reality is that most nurses wear scrubs -
Shapeless, draping hunks of cotton that could cause you to
breeze past Pamela Anderson without a second look. Shoes are white
and chunky with blobs of things on them better left Unexplored. Socks
replace white hose and garters, and when is the last time Anyone saw
a nursing cap? Graduation, perhaps?
The Nurse as an Angel:
If you want to hear the latest gross jokes, just find a nurse. Some
uninformed males seem to think of nurses as angelic creatures:
demure and loving, a cross between a nun and their mom. Well, hate to
bust your bubble, guy, but as a group, nurses are some of the rawest
folks you'll ever run into. I don't care how sweet and demure they
may look on the outside; inside is someone who has seen things that
would gag a maggot, break your heart, or Drive a normal person nuts.
So most nurses develop a very wicked sense of humor squarely lodged
in the black-to-sick side of the scale. Also, in case you are
looking for angelic sympathy for the little boo-
boo you had in the shop, forget it! Let's say as a typical male
klutz, you manage to saw your finger off. You go running to your
nurse wife who is on the phone with a nurse friend of hers. As she
continues to talk to her friend, she gives the stub a good
eyeballing, slaps a towel on it, takes out a baggy to put the severed
digit in, and tells you to get some ice while she is explaining to
her friend that her dummy husband just sawed his finger off. As you
stand there bleeding profusely for 15 minutes she calmly finishes her
conversation as though nothing is going on until finally she
says, "Well I guess I better get him to the hospital."She hangs up
the phone, looks at you, sighs and calmly says, "Let's go." You have
just learned an important lesson. On the nurse scale of emergencies,
yours is about a minus 9! As my wife has told me, "when you are on a
ventilator, with six drips running, your head down and your feet up,
then you're sick. Anything less than that isn't worth getting excited
over!"
The Nurses Mutual Benefit Network:
As a male either dating or married to a nurse, you should realize one
important thing. There are nurses everywhere. That, in itself, is no
big deal. The fact is, every nurse knows other nurses who know more
nurses, so that by the time you are finished, a nurse on the Island
Nation of Chuuk who observes you doing something you shouldn't has
the immediate capability of getting word to your wife. This system
is way more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has existed
for a much longer time. Take it for granted that your nurse wife will
know about anything you have done, good or bad, before you get home!
Your Social Life with Nurses:
Nurses hang out with other nurses and soon you may find that all your
friends are married to nurses. The reason this happens is because in
situations where nurses mingle with nonmedical folks things can get
ugly. For example, you are out to dinner with your nurse wife,
another nurse couple, and two civilian couples. The nurses sit and
chat, discussing fun things like bleeding bowels, open sores, how
much fat was sucked out of some patient, projectile vomiting,
traumatic amputations, etc., all over a nice pasta dinner. The
nurses carry on talking as the civilian couples turn funny colors,
make faces and suppress their gag reflexes (and this is if the nurses
don't have any really gross things to share like the homeless guy
with maggots in his bleeding sores)!
After several dinners and gatherings like this, you will soon find
your circle of friends has shrunk significantly. The key to avoiding
this is to do the following: Never go out in mixed groups with more
than one nurse. A lone nurse is OK. The trouble starts when you have
more than one, and when that happens, keep the regular folks away.
Also get used to the idea that some friends and neighbors will take
advantage of the fact that your wife is a nurse by calling at all
hours of the day and night for advice. This may include male
friends "dropping by" to show your sweetie his rash. The best advice
I can give is to just deal with it and hope it isn't contagious.
Nurse: The Health Ramifications
Most nurses have been described as having the constitution of horses,
which isn't true because I've been around horses and they get sick
more often. The reason for this is pretty simple. After about 3-5
years on the job, nurses have been exposed to so many bugs that they
either end up dead or full of every antibody known to mankind. (If
you want the ultimate booster shot, just get a blood
transfusion from a nurse who's worked in a hospital for 20 years!)
You don't have all these antibodies, though, so when she does come
home with mild sniffles, a week later you're flat on your back with
the worse case of the flu of your life!! Oh, and if you are the least
bit
squeamish, don't even think about the bugs she brings home on her
clothes. It will mess with your mind as she talks about her Resistant
TB patient, the patient full of body lice, or the one with poison ivy
in his mouth! So don't ask.
Conclusion:
Ah such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses. You know, they
really are and I thank God every day for my nurse
