I have received so many life-saving emails, and I must
send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
use a wet towel with every envelope that needs
sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl
in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
Under God on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up
in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.
And, thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably
was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath
my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one, either! I can no longer
drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-laws
second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day
____________________ If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
